John Carter

A film adaptation of A Princess of Mars has been a long time coming. Edgar Rice Burroughs was first approached about the possibility of an animated feature in 1931, and the property has since languished in pre-production through a 1980s Disney version with Predator/Die Hard director John McTiernan attached, to a doomed Paramount venture that went through three directors, before finally reverting to Disney, this time with Wall-E director Andrew Stanton at the helm. A pity, then, that when the film finally sees the light of day it simply isn't very good.

This isn't to say that it's not good fun: Stanton's version takes many liberties with the original story while remaining true to its spirit. It is for this reason that we must check our incredulity at the door and accept a vision of Mars based on what we knew about the red planet a century ago. John Carter, a Virginian ex-cavalryman of limited ability but indomitable spirit, finds himself transported to a world whose lower gravity lends him the ferocious strength and agility to match his dauntless disposition. Thus equipped, he quickly rises to a place of prominence in Mars', uh, martial society, taking a pivotal role in the war between the city-states of Helium (good guys) and Zodanga (bad guys), and the six-limbed Tharks (it's complicated).

It's a great set-up for an adventure in the style of Conan or Indiana Jones, and in terms of sheer entertainment value the film comes close to matching them here and there. Where it falls down is with everything else. The leads (relative lightweights Taylor Kitsch and Lynn Collins) struggle to bring much life to their roles, the score is bog-standard, instantly forgettable action fare, and at two hours and 12 minutes the film feels somewhat turgid. The cinematography never makes it past “adequate” — Kevin Carter of Mars this ain't — and the 3D conversion is wretched to the point where things often look better without the glasses. The CGI set pieces are a marked improvement over the rest of the film (perhaps unsurprising from a director with a background in animation), and human characters take a back seat to the — admittedly excellent — Tharks. For those of you playing along at home, this film has precisely two female characters, one of whom is a Thark.

John Carter of Mars is a curious film, in that it engenders far more emotional complexity than it contains. Many times I found myself thinking “this is absolutely dreadful, and I'm really enjoying it”. Despite its shortcomings it somehow carries you along with it, and the ending, while stupid, is also remarkably satisfying.

Get your ass to Mars, but switch your brain off first.