Kyon Ki

Anand (Salman Khan) has just been committed to a sanatorium, accused of the death of his fiancee, Maya (Rimii Sen). Rather than appearing grief stricken, or a mean and cold-blooded killer, he's a jolly clown, with a penchant for mischief. Cue: very poor slapstick.

The mood of the film changes awkwardly when Dr Tanvi (Kareena Kapoor) discovers more about Anand's wife and subsequently falls in love with him. This doesn't go down well with her strict father (Om Puri), who also happens to run the hospital. Oh, and Dr Sunil (Jackie Shroff) is another of Anand's doctors, who also has a familial air about him. It's all very convenient and very contrived.

Kyon Ki is one of the worst films I've seen in a long time - and that includes Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. To be fair, Puri isn't dreadful, despite an early scene, where he dons a bright pink wig and sings. Neither is Shroff dreadful, until his supposedly emotional scene towards the end. The first song, Jhatka Mare, isn't great, but it is noticeably better than what is to come. Everything else about Kyon Ki stinks.

At two-and-a-half hours, the film is twice as long as it should be, and feels like twice as long again. The sudden change in tone doesn't appear like a clear choice, as in From Dusk 'Til Dawn, but as if the "first film" can't be stretched beyond 45 minutes, so another was taped to it, hoping that no one would notice the join.

Speaking of joins, Kyon Ki has been very poorly edited. Many of the cuts stick out like sore thumbs. It's odd, as the production values seem high enough to be able to spring for proper equipment, rather than having to get a used butter knife out of the dishwasher to cut scenes together.

I realise that complaining about songs in a Bollywood movie is like complaining about zombies in a horror film, but here they are shoe-horned in and offer little of any value. With the one previously mentioned exception, they are bland pop without catchy hooks. The accompanying dance routines are a few people bobbing about - no great spectacle.

The acting is dire, almost across the board, Khan being particularly awful. If his portrayal of a mental patient is supposed to be amusing, it isn't. If it is supposed to have any sense of reality, it is offensive. As the central love interest, he isn't charming, just irritating. He overacts at every available opportunity, as if he has studied the films of Tom Arnold and decided to go one better - ending up going 14 worse.

You'd think that the scenes that are shamelessly stolen from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest would have a shred of inherent quality. They don't.

Lobotomies all round, chaps?