March Of The Penguins

Penguins are the Charlie Chaplins of the natural world. We love them because they walk funny and look like waiters and cannot fly. Also, they are so cute (mmm...).

It's the mmm... factor that makes March Of The Penguins irresistible. That and the intense beauty of Antarctica and the amazing - or is it weird? - story of trudging 70 miles through blizzards, in temperatures that would freeze your tears, to have a shag. Morgan Freeman, the Mr Nice Guy of narrative voice-overs, says, "They do it for love."

Okay... whatever.

Nature works in a mysterious way. Actually, it doesn't. Man has become so arrogant that anything which does not comply with Mr Normal's Guide To Behaviour is considered wacky, or un-bel-iev-able, or "Take their names, officer."

Why do birds migrate? Why don't they just stay at home and have office parties like everyone else? Why do salmon swim out of a salty sea up freshwater rivers into fiddly wee burns to do the egg thing? Why not find a neat cove off the coast and save all that masochistic palaver?

We watch the penguins endure The Long March and think, this is so beautiful - it's the way it's photographed, stoopid! - while the birds/mammals/fish (what are they?) murmur under their breath, "Are we there yet?"

Humans, who live within a Toyota ride of a commuter train, will write in their Things That Make Us Superior book: "Clocks. Without them, we're screwed." Creatures know about time. We don't.

The penguins reach The Love Nest, pick a gal, do it - don't worry, this is a U certificate. The mum has an egg, passes it over to dad, who stands in a huddle with the other dads for two months (no Pizza Express, remember), while the mums go back to the beach and eat beachy things and get fat. When the egg, warmed by daddy's hot bot, hatches, the chick has 10 days tops to live before dying of starvation.

Deep breath. Here's the "isn't nature wonderful" spot. Seventy miles away, the mums are still hanging out at the fish bar and thinking about going on a diet when suddenly They Know. It's that time again. They gather themselves together and start walking. It takes weeks, but they reach The Love Nest, which has now become The Nursery, to give their babies a proper meal of regurgitated scampi-and-chips well within the 10-day window. How did they know?

And they don't have email.

Watch the movie, buy the tee shirt, listen to Morgan being soft and gooey. It is a lovely thing, but, like so many lovely things, we, in our wisdom, are in the process of ruining it. Will there be ice in 20 years?

Although it is hard not to succumb to the mmm... factor, the filmmakers blow it during the final credits. They film themselves filming the Chaplins and guess what? The penguins are so trusting and unused to human contact that they waddle all over the camera tripods. Tame equals train equals not quite kosher.

Try not to think about it. Stay in the mmm... zone.