Tarzan

What was it Mary Poppins went on about? A spoonful of sugar? Disney provides a truck load in this animated version of Edgar Rice Burroughs' disturbing tale of an ape man from the heart of darkness.

Everything from adoption to racial inequality is covered. Even the elephant's child knows what's bad for her. At the bathing pool, she dips her toe in and whines: "Are you sure this water is sanitary?"

Tarzan's parents have been killed by a big cat, their bodies tastefully hidden in the shadows of a wrecked treehouse, when Kala (Glenn Close on vocals), who has lost her little 'un to the stripy beast, hears his baby cries. The mothering instinct overcomes her fear and she gathers the stinky white brat into her arms. The gorilla chief, Kerchak - for ages you think he's called Kojak - doesn't take kindly to this, but since Kala is his old lady he has to live with it. The kid grows up into a tree-surfing dude, who wants to be one of the gang and have his ape dad accept him.

Me-Jane (Minnie Driver on the chords) appears in a jungle glade, with her bumbling old pater (mouthed by Nigel Hawthorne) and a Capt Hook type, called Clayton (Brian Blessed covering the base lines), who is their tracker/protector. You know he's a bad lot because he has a shotgun and a pencil moustache.

Tarzan and Me-Jane flirt a bit and he takes her on vine swinging adventures and she makes friends with supposedly wild animals. She has a cute snub nose and he is beautifully shaved (must be those new three-blade razors) and they talk to each other. He's brilliant with languages. He speaks gorilla and English like a native - P.S. there are no natives in this movie.

The animation is great and the songs (Phil Collins) are bland. The sentimentality is so sweet you come out in a rash. When Tarzan is agonising about whether to run off with Me-Jane, or stay with his pals, Kala says: "I just want you to be happy, whatever you decide." And Tarzan says: "No matter where I go you will always be my mother." Hold me (sob!). I can't stand it any more.