Tooth

What is happening out there? Are some people sitting around mahogany tables, sipping lattes and wondering: "Let's see... we need to find a subject for a film... ah, yes! Tooth fairies! No one has ever made a film about tooth fairies!" ... so they go and make one... and what a waste of time it is.

If I were you, I would choose another film, or go to the ice rink instead.

Anyway, for those who are still here: Tooth (Yasmin Paige) is a tooth fairy (surprise!)... in fact, there is a team of tooth fairies, all (except Tooth, who is special) in drab uniforms. They look like overgrown Beavers and Brownies and are based in a sort of factory-warehouse-Second-World-War-strategic-bunker, marshalled by an human-sized rabbit with bad habits - eats carrots out of a cigar box. The fairies do night shifts chewing gum and carrying vacuum cleaners, which they use to suck teeth from under pillows and spit cents in their place. They are bored as hell, grumpy and unattractive (except Tooth, who is special).

Tom (Rory Copus) and Tolly (Maisie Preston) are the children of a struggling family - no money, dreamer-loser dad, hard-working patient mum. The boy has a rich imagination, the girl is losing her milk teeth.

Tooth finds a note asking for help under the pillow and decides to rock the boat a bit. Her moment of madness puts her in danger of being hated by all the children in the world (so what?) and the world itself of having Christmas ruined - what's Christmas got to do with tooth-fairy activities?

To prevent these terrible tragedies, Tom, Tolly and Tooth (the Three Ts) go on a perilous journey in search of ... magic. Perilous because, hot on their heels, is no one other than Plug (Harry Enfield), a Bond-type baddie, whose sole aim in life is to capture weird and wonderful creatures, like tooth-fairies... Journey, because they need to find Mrs C (C for Claus), yes, Santa's better half and the sole, elusive key to a better world. Magic, because this is what the world has lost - "Magic is for suckers... who needs magic now? We've moved on to things that are much more modern and exciting." In other words, magic has been replaced by money - "Money makes the world go round... money is all we need".

In fact, no one can be sure whether the kids/fairy team is looking for magic, or money, or both, while at the same time running away from the baddies. After lame adventures, set in a sad suburban landscape, they reach the Heavenly Acres Home for Retired Magicians, where Santa Claus slobs in front of the TV, watching comic programmes, presumably in order to practise his trademark HO!HO!HO!, while Mrs C buzzes about in a wheelchair - bit strange for someone loaded with magic and helping everyone else to fly...

So, the plot twists and stretches in implausible and awkward ways, the dialogue tries and fails to be cool and the actors are faced with an impossible task. The one spark of fun is derived from the fairies' only weapon, a recording about wall-to-wall carpeting - the enemy nods off, instantly.

The film's final word of wisdom... "Magic is inside all of us... like a kidney"... ahm, I see... like a kidney, we may need it to purge this nonsense from our system.